Dating: Don't Waste Your Time
Why does the world of dating seem so complicated? Lauren Chen, host of Pseudo-Intellectual on Blaze TV, offers some useful navigational tools. It starts with this basic question: what is the purpose of dating? The answer may shock you
Women should date with what purpose in mind?
casual flingshaving funhook upsgetting marriedInstead of love and looking toward marriage, living together can unfortunately be based sometimes on less serious considerations like__________________________.
lack of other opportunitiesdesire for a roommatethe inability to afford a single apartmentall of the aboveThose looking for a good marriage are looking for someone who wants to build a shared life.
TrueFalseWhat is the problem with so many dating relationships?
People tend to share too much too soon.Attractiveness isn’t a big enough factor.People become too engaged in their phones instead of each other.People enter them with completely different understandings of what the ideal outcome should be.The stuff that really matters over the long run in relationships is _________________.
familyfaithvaluesall of the above
- If you want something more out of dating—something deeper, like long-term happiness—date with a purpose: getting married.
Marriage ultimately should be the end goal of dating relationships. Healthy dating lives require you to ask yourself this question: Why do you want to go on a date with someone? What qualities are you seeking long-term? In other words, be intentional about your dating, make sure its purpose is to pursue a committed relationship, not engage in a fleeting romantic fling.
View sourceThe cultural promotion of hooking up and aimless dating is hurting women in particular, writes Lauren Chen: “What leaves the romantic lives of women in an even more precarious state, is that while the stability of marriage has been on the decline, hook-up culture, which promotes casual sex outside of long-term relationships, has conversely become normalized. Although no-strings-attached encounters might seem satisfying at the moment, the long-term effects that are so rarely mentioned in the glossy pages of women's magazines can include depression, low self-esteem, and loneliness.”
View source- Hook-up culture has turned sex into merely a recreational activity—and more women are miserable because of it.
A popular modern assumption is that relationships have levels of commitment, starting with level one, hooking up, followed by level two, dating, level three, living together, and finally level four, marriage. But, in fact, relationships usually do not progress that way. Hook-ups arise out of whim, impulse or simple attraction—and often lead to a dead end, and leave women, in particular, feeling miserable. “No matter how much our generation may hear that hook-up culture is what’s modern and liberating, we’re fighting against our brains and bodies to believe that sex doesn’t really matter,” writes Lauren Chen.
View sourceRelated reading: “What Feminists Get Wrong About Female Empowerment” – Lauren Chen
View sourceRelated video: “Fix Yourself” – Jordan Peterson
View source- Many women get stuck in dead-end relationships because it’s become taboo for women to admit they want protection, commitment and love.
Most women desire marriage for three main reasons: protection, commitment, and love. But it has become taboo, or politically incorrect, for women to admit that reality and to establish those goals early on in relationships. The result is that many men and women date each other with entirely different end goals.
View sourceStudies have consistently found that those in good marriages are happier, healthier, and even wealthier than those who are not.
View sourceMarriage and economic growth is linked most strongly for the young, suggesting that young people are the most positively impacted by being married.
View sourceRelated reading: “Why Marriage Matters” – Brad Wilcox
View source- As the hook-up culture has been on the rise, marriage—one of the greatest promoters of personal happiness—has declined.
The median age for first marriages has risen from 23 to 29 since 1970. Approximately half of today’s adult population is unmarried.
View sourceOnly 46% of children under 18 live in traditional families today.
View sourceRelated video: “Be a Man. Get Married.” – Brad Wilcox
View sourceRelated reading: “Who Is Happy?” – Dennis Prager
View source- Marriage is important for both personal and societal health.
Higher percentages of married families are strongly associated with strong economies, including higher levels of economic growth, a 10.5% increase in economic mobility, and a 13.5% decrease in child poverty.
View sourceStates with the largest share of children living with married parents have the lowest child poverty rates—below 16%.
View sourceRelated reading: “Heavy Lifting: Grow Up, Get a Job, Raise a Family, and Other Manly Advice” – Jim Geraghty
View source
Women, here’s a revolutionary idea: Date with a purpose. What purpose? Getting married.
Whoa! Am I moving too fast for you? Making you uncomfortable? Dating, you say, is just—well, dating. You know—hook ups, casual flings, having fun.
Yeah? Who said so?
Don’t get me wrong. I’m all for fun, but I’m interested in something deeper here—like happiness. I’m certainly not saying that marriage should be the first topic of conversation. At least wait until the pizza is served (just kidding). But I am saying that you need to ask yourself this question: Why do you want to go on a date with someone? Physical attraction? That’s important. Common interest in something? Also important. But what else?
Let’s face it, most of the time, we—and by “we” here, I’m referring to women—have no idea. We have no plan. That’s okay as far it goes. But “as far as it goes” is not very far. And, frankly, not very smart.
But let’s play out the scenario. We too often assume that relationships have levels of commitment, progressing—if they progress at all—like video games. A hookup is level one, dating is level two; level three—living together. And then, after we’ve had those, maybe we’re ready for marriage.
But in fact, relationships usually don’t progress that way. Hookups arise out of whim, impulse, or simple attraction. Dating is often based on compatibility or convenience, and sometimes on the hope that something serious might develop. Living together may be based on real love and a tryout for marriage. But it can also be based on less serious considerations, like lack of other opportunities, desire for a roommate, or the inability to afford a single apartment.
But marriage is a different enterprise entirely. Those looking for a good marriage are looking for someone who wants to build a shared life. They’re looking for someone who shares their values and beliefs―moral, political, and, where applicable, religious. They view each other not only as a “partner,” but as something even more profound: husband and wife.
The problem with so many dating relationships is that people enter them with completely different understandings of what the ideal outcome should be. He wants X, and she wants Y.
And it’s easy to get distracted and fooled by superficial compatibility. They’re thrilled they both like kombucha, kayaking and karaoke on the weekends. That’s all great, but when do you get down to the stuff that really matters over the long run? Stuff like marriage, family, faith, and values.
I say: the sooner, the better. If a relationship looks like it has a future, talk about it early on. And if doesn’t look like it has a future, what are you doing in it?
I have no doubt the reason so many women get stuck in dead-end relationships is that it has become taboo―or, to be precise, not politically correct―for a woman to articulate what she really wants.
Which takes me back to marriage, and why women crave it. Here are three reasons:
Protection.
Commitment.
Love.
Nothing wrong with wanting those things. It is something women have wanted—and great societies have valued—for thousands of years. It is something men still want, too. Little wonder: Study after study shows that those in good marriages are happier, healthier, even wealthier, than those who are not. Like anything you want, you have to work toward it. And anything that isn’t moving you toward your goal is a waste of time.
What’s the difference between living with someone and marriage? It’s the difference between referring to the man in your life as “my boyfriend,” “significant other,” or “partner” and referring to him as “my husband.” And him referring to you as “my wife,” as compared with “my girlfriend.”
Ask anyone who has taken the plunge and they’ll tell you living together and marriage have little in common. It’s sort of like the difference between living in a country and being a citizen of that country. The latter, with its commitment, obligations, and expectations, means a lot more.
To someone who tells you that a marriage license is trivial, “just a piece of paper,” here’s a good response: If it’s just a piece of paper, why are you so reluctant to sign it? The answer, of course, is that no one believes that it’s trivial. Everyone knows it’s the most important decision you’ll ever make. So treat it that way.
Here’s a good rule of thumb: Think about the kind of relationship you want as much as you think about what kind of career you want.
I’m not anti-career. I’m just pro-relationship. Specifically, pro-marriage. Because when you get it right, that’s the best relationship there is.
And it starts with the first date.
I’m Lauren Chen, host of Pseudo-Intellectual on BlazeTV, for Prager University.
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