The Government Isn’t Supposed to Fix Your Life

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Adam Carolla isn't going to tell you who to vote for. But he is going to tell you who NOT to vote for. And in a time when candidates running for office promise the moon, one of America's funniest comedians shares a few tips about how to spot the candidate that you should run from.

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Well I’m not here to tell you who to vote for. But I am here to tell you who not to vote for. Don’t vote for anyone who says, “I’ll fight for you.” Because that person is full of crap and has no intention of not only fighting for you, he doesn’t know who you are. He or she is just moving on to the next town where they can point at the next sap and say, “I’ll fight for you.”

I’m so tired of these politicians and their town hall meetings when somebody stands up and says, “I’m pregnant with quadruplets. I’ve been put on academic probation at the junior college. And my milkman hates my guts. What are you going to do for me?”

And my answer is, “Nothing. But here’s the good news. We live in the United States. You can do something for you. Feel free to get a job and fight to keep it.”

Let me give you a really good example of people doing too much for others and us coming apart at the seams as a society. You guys remember when you were kids and you’d fake an illness and you’d stay home from school, and you’d sit there on your sofa and you’d watch daytime TV?

“Hey! I’m Wally Thorpe. School of Trucking! You can get into trucking too! Be a long haul trucker! Get your license! Hit the open road! Make a good living!”

“Learn typewriter repair.”

“Learn toaster repair.”

Remember all those commercials? Every single commercial was geared to somebody who was out of work but who wanted to work. Why? Well it’s Tuesday. It’s noon. Who’s going to be home watching this TV show? People who are out of work. What do people who are out of work want to do? They want to get to work, thus they learn to drive an 18-wheeler.

Now look at every commercial that’s on during daytime TV.

“Wrongfully let go by an employer?”

“Slip and fall in a supermarket?”

“You can sue. Hi, I’m attorney Lance Bassman, and I’ll fight for you.”

See? The same people that say they’re going to fight for you are the same people trying to get you free crap when you won’t get off your ever enlarging butt that’s now melding and becoming one with your sofa.

Fixing your screwed up life is not the government’s job. And by the way, when does the government do a good job at fixing anything? I mean, I live in Los Angeles. We pay the most in taxes, and we get the least in education.

I want the government to do stuff that I can’t do. Stop a war, end a plague. That kind of stuff . Stuff involving me? Stuff involving my family? Stuff involving my community? I can handle that.

Also, don’t vote for the politician who says, “I know it’s not a level playing field. I’m going to level it for you.” That’s impossible. It’s mathematically impossible to have a level playing field.

What are we going to do about fat people being discriminated against? Some people are born with one limb shorter than the other. Other people are born with a Brillo head.

There’s nothing we can do about it. The government’s job is to clear the playing field, not level the playing field, since it’s impossible for them to level the playing field. Just clear it of all the land mines and all the barbed wire and let us get to work. And don’t worry, this is a great country. The harder you work the more you score and eventually your team goes to the Super Bowl.

So let’s review. I’m not going to tell you who to vote for. I’ll tell you who not to vote for. Don’t vote for the guy who says he’s going to get rid of all your problems, take care of you, and tuck your kids in at night

You see, humans need challenges to overcome, just like a muscle needs resistance to grow. In a zero gravity environment an astronaut’s muscles atrophy because there is no resistance. The government giving you a bunch of handouts and living your life for you is basically the equivalent of doing pushups in outer space.

“Look ma I can clap five times just like Rocky in between sets!”

Big government is like the void of space. It’s massive, constantly expanding and if we immerse ourselves in it, we’ll simply wither away.

I’m Adam Carolla for Prager University.

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